120. Geezz LAST DAY MEDSCHOOL

Now I can conclude that I love paed the most :)))
Time does fly by. I remember feeling so afraid to finish medschool when I first started this year, but right now, all in all I just wanna say, I don't think I can afford to miss medschool. The tears are real. Headache and stomach ache, all the anxiety attacks and nervousness during round, all the quitting school talk with mom and along, I think I had enough. And I super super glad I enjoyed the final year, I looked forward to- every morning and that is something that Allah had blessed me with since fifth yr so....... ALHAMDULILLAH!!! except for that one morning during Badeah round that I didnt feel like going at all last week XD But that's only one day thing har-har. I didn't manage to keep my absence zero but the other two days I missed I had good reasons for SO ALL GOOD :DDD 

ANYWAYYYY HERE GOESS LASTT AND FINAL SPRINT AND SPURT XDDDD 

one osce, one mini osce. 4 finals and 4 vivas 

Bismillah xoxo 

BYEEEEEEE STUDENT LIFE 

p.s thank you syazana for da pic

114. That person

I dont want to be that person.
I dont want to be that person who lives her life impatiently. I dont want my life to be just a series of tak bersyukur, of complaining... sebab tu i just wanna enjoy now.

if im tired its okay. still alhamdulillah. im able to wake up this morning. im able to walk half a kilometre to the hospital. im able to breathe just fine. if i miss home its okay. i still have parents to miss, i have a home to miss, and my families are healthy. for each and everything im experiencing, for now, for right this second i just wanna be alhamdulillah. thank you Allah. i have taqriban 8 months to graduate, alhamdulillah. i have to endure this penat study hours a day but ya Allah alhamdulillah, what a thing to be tired for... what a blessing.

.......

at ward round today our dukturah who specialised in inborn error of metabolism break down milyan cases of metabolism error. a 16 years old patient born with a case of mucopolysaccharidosis 2 was admitted sebab some skeletal manifestation. he was crying and his eyes were cloudy. his body was retarded as someone who's about 6 years old. dukturah was explaining his dysmorphic features but i just cant focus. the next picture dukturah showed was what stunt me. its a picture from when the patient was few months old. smiling to the camera, looking so well, and so cute and healthy.

Hunter or mucopolysaccharidosis 2 typical presentation

 there is this thing yg i cant understand.  this whole thing of who Allah choose to uji. i feel bad, i feel glad. i still feel i'm ridiculously blessed. for that i wanna be really really bersyukur, alhamdulillah.

Esok mark the last week for pediatric posting. Esok we gonna be evaluated by Dr. Wasem. I like how intimidating and charming doctor is. He has this challenging present during ward round and clinic or even morning report, he take you seriously, asking question that make you think hard about things youv learned and wait very patiently for you to answer. Next week we'll be tagging dr. Samah Awad for 2 days maybe and then its time for long case.

Honestly i'm gonna miss this post. Serious belajar banyak sangat.... Like, to think about how this gonna be last time to round dalam pediatric ward as student....wahh....how can that be? Still half tak percaya.

I want to do my best. I keep on thinking about mom, about people who always believe im gonna make it, imma be a doctor. And semua tu fuel me. folks, anyone, who care enough to read this, thanks. and doakan. See you when im a doctor serving the nation one day nanti insyaAllah ;)

Ps. Updating this from my phone w is reallyyyyyy hard omo

113. Tahun baru

I'm  in a weird mood today cuz it's that time of the month. Anyway, it's our second on call today. We reached hospital at around 5 in the evening and there was still no admission at all. So we decided to grab some lunch and then head back to hospital about an hour later. 

I wanna say just how gloomy of a workplace a hospital is. 

You don't get it unless you've spent a night at hospital. Even better, when you are there kat the 3iyadah itself watching parents complaint.

Ah... their faces tho..

A baby girl maybe about 40 days old? Came in tadi and doctor needed to get her urine specimen but while inserting the tube we found out she has labial adhesion. Her mother dah la refused to tunggu luar and nak tengok, it was really easy procedure but ofcourse, involve a sensitive area kan, and her mom keep pushing. 

I mean I get it I was the one holding the baby I felt so sory. 

When you're not someone from this field, it easy to feel like oh okay je everyone around you, no one is chronically ill, whatever. It's easy to feel like that, it's easy to take your health, your families' health for granted but when you see the amount of people at hospital everyday for macam-macam reasons sakit, you will feel it's just ridiculous. Your health, your families health. What a blessing. What a blessing to wake up everyday knowing you're not on the hospital bed, knowing your parents are not gonna worried sick for your pain or anything. What a blessing...

Selamat awal muharram by the way. 

Another healthy year hopefully. 

Bismillah. 

111.The question

Earlier today during the morning report at hospital, we were discussing a child  that was admitted the day before because of urinary infection. He was only 8 months old, but already had countless admission due to various problems, and had done multiple surgery. He was born with myelomeningocele, that poor kid. As a solution the physicians who were treating him decided to repair the sac and the spinal cord to prevent further damage and infection. But as a result, the kid he will always have to live with lower body paralysis, a neurogenic bladder and anal sphincter dysfunction. So he wont able to walk or do anything which require lower body support, not able to micturate,  and soon will develop recurrent urinary tract infection from the hydronephrosis.

Our doctor then ask us this question, would it be wise to save the child, by repairing his myelomeningocele, and to have him living with all of it's complication?

In Jordan and I assume most of other countries as well, although you can detect myelomeningocele or any of other spina bifida in fetal period there isn't any law allowing to abort. So medicolegally, you cant abort the fetus.

......

Yesterday I was so tired I sleep all night long. I didnt even lights off. When I woke up its already 5.49 in the morning.

And I cant concentrate on today ward round as well. I cant answer when the doctor ask me normal value of csf sample that we took from lumbar puncture. The doctor was very kind tho. I felt sorry I didnt focus.

......

I cant answer that as well. I'm sorry
There's nothing that is absolutely right in this world.....and there'll always be consequences....
I just felt like this amount of blessing for me is somehow ridiculous...

Repair for myelomeningocele

By the way I'm sorry I'm still writing even when no one else is writing anymore it seems like these days. It's just that somehow I think I can only put my emotion truthfully through my writing. I'm not always good with my temper, so somehow sometimes I can't get the word out right. I've said things I don't mean countlessly. So.. I guess I'll always be here. 

93. Birth of the heavenly

I can't emphasize on how beautiful a birth of a baby is. You might view it differently and I won't mind. The first time I saw it I couldn't even focus on the whole process padahal that was what I was supposed to do. I wasn't there to just be looking at a mother giving birth, I was supposed to focus on the how and what to do. But I didn't, or more importantly, I can't.

It's a rather tough, difficult, dirty and an embarrassing process all together.

But also more significantly, it was so beautiful.

The moment the baby was out, it was everything.

I kept remembering my mom and thinking how could mom manage to deliver 8 babies in a time span of 14 years? That's insane. Mom was undoubtedly strong as steel and she still is. Bringing up all of us? I mean, incredible.

I wish people could see this how I view it. Speaking of which, I cant forget the article I once read about a husband complaining about his wife not wanting to have sex with him after delivery. That guy. I wish he for once could experience delivering baby himself.

Also I have to make a note on the doctors helping mommies deliver. A friend of mine once spoke her mind out, "Apa je yang patient tak bagi kat doktor? Taik, kencing, darah? Semua doktor sabar je terus je buat kerja as doktor. Tapi still ada patient yang marah-marah doktor." Which is mostly true because that's what happened in a labor room.

With the rise of status and articles questioning doctor's skills and whatsoever I don't really understand how it could come as so. Such things are quite impossible to happen here sebab culture kat sini, people here are just so respectful towards the doctors. They value the doctors hard work and time in saving people's life.

Here hoping that one day I could calmly deliver babies.

86. Anesthesia posting.

Now we're talking scrubs, major operation, and anesthesia. With so much things to learn, I don't quite understand why this is a minor rotation. IT SHOULD BE A MAJOR ONE.

I would love to get a hands-on experience but nahhh I'm just gonna enjoy  this post. Watching and observing. While taking a mental note and visually memorising everything. *tehee* I mean everyone are working so fast, just a moment ago a patient was rushingly extubated and awaken out of anesthesia, and pushed out of the operation theatre, and then a minute later, a new patient came in, and 5-6 anesthesiologist + nurses worked so hastily on her that I didn't get to catch the cannulation and intubation whatmore nak do it myself. #lol

Anyway, I came accross a video on youtube about a day in the life of a anesthesiologist, which is supercool, an exact depiction of what I saw today, and I would love to quote the comment by the anesthesiologist; 

" In terms of qualities doctors should have, the core tenet that makes doctors good doctors as well as happy doctors is that they're people who really do their best to do the right thing every time.  Might not happen all the time but you gotta be the type that will sacrifice personal interests to do the right thing.  You have to be smart but not necessarily a genius, because hard work and focus trumps intrinsic intelligence in this field....so be prepared to work hard.  And if you're super smart and think your wits will carry you, you're wrong...you still have to work hard!   So be a good person, use your smarts, and work hard. " - Dr, Matthew Norkunas

Also, he had a good point about having doubts early on when doing medicine.

"...if you're just anxious about the overall experience and simply not happy right now I would stick it out at least until you get the degree.  You'll be surprised how much things change as you progress and start to see patients, etc."

Which is exactly what I feel.
xoxo. 

82. Family Medicine

By the end of the third week in Family Medicine posting, I've learned that this is yet one of the strongest field of medicine even if it might not seem as much; no big operation or surgeries, no big machines and whatnot. What makes it huge is having to sit there and being the one patients first coming to, and being able to make such a difference in patients' life sometime, only with words of advice. 

Because we have to sit in the clinic listening to patients' stories and seeing first hand how the doctors manage them, dapatlah faham sikit-sikit what does the art from being in medicine field for years could do to you. The doctors are great. Although at the end of the day my head does wander  around imagining what these whole clinic situations gonna be like in Malaysia.

I'm thinking of doing family medicine as my attachment nanti. We'll see. XD

Anyway, Dr. Farnas made us read a blogpost from the newly elected Minister of Health of Canada, Jane Philpott. It's kind of a letter that she wrote for her daughter. 30 things I've learned in 30 years as a doctor. I personally love it. 

"It makes me think of the entreaty of Martin Luther King Jr. who said “If it falls to your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, like Shakespeare wrote poetry, like Beethoven composed music; sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will have to pause and say, ‘Here lived a great street sweeper, who swept his job well.’”" - Jane Philpott, 30 things I’ve learned in 30 years as a doctor