And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh, the way that gravity pulls on you and me
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pushes on everyone
On everyone
When the sun finally reappear underneath the dark cloud, I force myself to get out of my bed and get ready. I put my alarm on snooze for so many times that now I’m already late. It’s been raining all night and I can still hear the raindrops. Road is still wet. I have to pull my pants up a little to avoid it from getting drenched.
I don't know what I'm so dreading for. My heart is so heavy.
When the sky finally clear and the sun is shining I feel a little bit better. I need to get as much work done today or I’ll be stressing about all the work for weeks to come.
I drive to the hospital listening to a loop of Coldplay’s Gravity. Sometimes I do that. Adding salts to my poor wounded heart; listening to sad songs over and over again just to tell myself that the world agrees with my breakdown.
I manage to reach OT after one successful attempt of reverse parking and on-time thumbprint. Check my temperature, put on my mask as the usual SOP and proceed to the counter to check the green booking form for any pending cases.
I see the name on the oncall list and realize you're still doing your last case for the morning. You come out of the theatre moments later and flash me a smile. You seem tired, but somehow still the usual good looking you.
I remember saying “shit” a hundred thousand times over in my head.
I think about all the space I has gave, to not suffocate you.
I think about all the resolutions to not get hung up on this one person based on the idea that he’s the one, to not get my heart so dwell on the dreams, to not get all the fragile parts of me broken as hard.
I’m so full of shit.
Here’s a funny bit on believing in destiny; on God’s best plan.
It’s hard.
It's hard to accept when it’s not what you wanted or how you wanted it to be.
So here goes my first writing for 2021.
To 2021, the year of desolation and misery- and dear God I hope I’m wrong.
اللَّهُمَّ رَحْمَتَكَ أَرْجُو فَلا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْن، ٍ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ لا إِلَهََإِلاَّ أَنْتَ.
‘O Allah, it is Your mercy that I hope for, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for a blink of an eye and rectify for me all of my affairs. None has the right to be worshipped except You.’
