I was working pm shift. It was a hectic evening. As soon as I started my shift, I got one referral already, and just when I started seeing the referral, they referred to me a new one. Soon after I finished seeing all of my ward patients I had to go to ED seeing another referral.
It was a tiring day, and I thought I saw a friend cry. By the time I went back I was extremely exhausted.
When I drove the car I put the playlist on shuffle, unaware of what songs I had put on that playlist.
I reached the first intersection, the traffic light went red and your song just suddenly started playing. It’s your song because I first heard it from one of your instagram story. I saved it because it was such a mellow song, and I even replied to that particular story.
Then I remembered it was my first time speaking to you after so long, on the day before. Was just asking a simple question, but my heart was palpitating, my stomach fluttering. And you also answered just so casually.
I started feeling dizzy, my eyes blurred. Listening to the lyrics I remember thinking this song is not for you, it’s for me.
I wanna cry so bad but my head hurts, I had to keep my eyes on the road.
And all you never say is that you love me so
All I'll never know is if you want me oh
If only I could look into your mind
Maybe then I'd find a sign
Of all I want to hear you say to me
To me
Are you uncertain?
Or just scared to drop your guard?
Have you been broken?
Are you afraid to show your heart?
Life can be unkind
But only sometimes
You're giving up before you start
Then birdy started playing. Everything just kept on reminding me of you. I told myself over and over again it was nothing. When I first heard you got married I was on my oncall shift. I told my closest friends about it then I just went numb. Days and weeks passed and I just got busy. I never saw you anyway so it didn’t really matter.
Maybe that’s why it hurt so much last night.
I was in denial. Every inch of my body hurt, my head was aching so bad I almost wanted to stop on the sideway but it was too dangerous. I was driving at 80kmh. I was driving in the left lane the whole time.
It was so hard because I still needed to focus on my driving.
When I finally reached home and pulled the break I just started to whimper, bawling my eyes out. I never cried that hard. I couldn’t stop myself for a good 5 minutes. My playlist stuck at Explain You, playing it over and over again making me just more sick.
I've seen some other people who are nothing like you
That's probably why it works and why it never could
I'm holding on to nothing, don't know how to let it go
So even if it's out of my control
I try to
Explain you to myself
But you never seem to sound right
No matter how I try to
Explain you to myself
You never seem to sound right
What funny is I remember seeing your car during the last intersection on our way to the hospital. I saw you so many times till I remembered your car plate. I kept thinking how is this coincidence. Now that you got married I almost never see you anymore.
I can’t believe I put myself into this much pain. I’m so broken. I didn’t know this before but yesterday changed everything. I was shocked by the amount of pain I had in me. I thought I was doing okay, like I couldn’t care less, like I’ve totally moved on.
I keep thinking it was not fair. I don’t even know you. I saw you here and there, we barely even talk. I don’t even know where all the feelings came from. I felt so sorry because I love myself too much to just let myself hurt like this. I’m so sorry. I thought maybe I’m just wired weird like that. Maybe I’m a creep. Or maybe I’m just too broken. Too emotionally damaged.
I can only pray this is the last time I’m fucking my life like this. Can't help to think maybe I’m one of those God destined to be singular for eternity. I have full capacity to love myself till the end of my life. Maybe that’s the reason I’m so extroverted, why I have so many siblings and so many friends.
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