130. Epilogue

Worst thing is the fact that I understand what you are and our limitations and can go through life pretending I’m good with it without giving you a single clue what tremendous effects this has on my poor heart. Time heals everything. Sucks but, it is what it is. Still good to see you though. I like your voice but somehow my brain can’t seem to remember it. In my mind I try to listen to the things that you've said but I could not hear any of it. I guess my subconscious peremptorily refusing all parts of you from my memory. 10 years experience of rejection has made me an expert. Tomorrow and everyday after will only be better. Promise.

26/10/20 02:49am

I wanted to write a proper good bye to you. A farewell post. You took so much from me for the past 1 year and I had suffered so much I thought it only makes sense to write about it. 

But the post sounded so raw I decided not to post it. 

I just needed for this post instead to be here for my own peace of mind. 

I think I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly dejected by this experience. What I thought was my coping mechanism of overcoming these whole despondencies was actually me being a ticking bomb. One trigger and I exploded. 

I cried for a good 40 minutes, while driving home after one eventful, extremely exhausting evening shift. I was whimpering, bawling my eyes out thinking about you. The days of hope turning to days of ignoring, silence and cold treatment.  It all started when the car radio played a randomly shuffled song that I had secretly saved from one of your Instagram's story. 

It was stupid, I know. 

But on that day I learned that I was actually so hurt. I could feel the pain just slowly relinquished from within me. My head, my heart and my body altogether.

I thought I was strong. I thought I've moved on totally, that I couldn't care less when I heard the news. I was just busy. Days and weeks passed by, I was just preoccupied with my works.

I finally talked to you the other day. A simple question, meaningless. You also answered me just so casually. But my heart was palpitating, and my stomach fluttered. Your voice ringed for longer even when I had already left the ward.

I kept thinking, shit it's over. It's finally truly over. 

I wish I had never gotten the chance to meet you. 
Not in my dreams, not in the rare occurrences of having our cars side by side at that last intersection on our way to the hospital. Or in the OT while you tied my gown. 

I wish I were a ghost. 

But I am. I'm a ghost to you; an imaginary being; a nebulous existence. Peeking through your window, watching you peacefully sleeping; minding yourself, not having a care or a single thought about me. 

It's weird.

I barely even know you so this would not be fair for you as well. To have someone like me creeping on to you like this. I guess I am wired weird like that. I'm just too emotionally damaged and broken. So I'm sorry. 

To you, to me.  

I've seen some other people who are nothing like you

That's probably why it works and why it never could

I'm holding on to nothing, don't know how to let it go

So even if it's out of my control- 

I try to explain you to myself

But you never seem to sound right

No matter how I try to explain you to myself

You never seem to sound right