I've turned 27 last weekend. We had a cake during iftar. It was the Macadamia White Chocolate Cake. So good. Still took couple of days to finish it tho, but we loved it.
I've been thinking about this thing for a couple of days now.. and thought to myself I should write a whole post about this. Since I've turned 27 anyway. And also, I've just re opened my old old diary, from 2008-2010. Honestly.. I don't even recognize myself then anymore, all of the writings, it was so ancient, so unrelatable, so silly. I was so childish...god.
There was this one entry that caught my eyes about how he's been ignoring me. Yet again.
This was the excerpt from the diary;
In case you have not guess it, yeah this post will be about that person. The one and only person whom I
have allowed to take some space inside my brain, and my heart and he'd been doing so- tremendously, taking up area upon area of my poor sinking heart. And he didn't even mean to, you see. This is my problem. I haven't been able to move on completely. And if you ask me, like do I want him, like, want, want him, right now?
No. ( For fuck sake, my playlist is playing Politic by Coldplay right now. That part "...give me heart, and give me soul. Wounds that heal, and cracks that fix...")
I don't even know who he is right now. I only got like glimpse of his life through some facebook posts. He is so different from the guy that I knew I liked before.
I actually don't really remember how it all started. But, I do remember I've been texting him throughout the 2008 end of year break. I remember I also texted someone else at the time, and I've been having this dilemma; He was so interesting to talk to, he was so funny. And I know we only started talking because of a joke. but at that point I actually thought he was nice.
And then we were placed in the same class. I hated it at first, because it's practically the last class in the streaming sequences and I didn't think any of them were familiar. Something happened early that year. Something so so so so horrible. I won't be writing about that because it was too much for me-
Anyway, we were in the same class. Of course, he was naturally funny and witty. And I'm the usual maddening me. Of all my entries I didn't find one entry of me falling in love with him, or liking him. It's just couples of notes here and there about him annoying me, of the 'harmless flirting' going worst. Honestly, I don't even remember the things we flirt about.
But there is this one particular account the evening of 10th October, 2009. We went to watch a theater at DBKL; Mahsuri. I managed to grab same Dunkin Donuts, and I remember giving him one. God. And that was it. I wrote that entry, and I cried. I was so afraid, of myself, because I love it too much.
"I like it this way, I will miss it this way. I love it. I already-
It's too late.
Too late already.
to say No."
We spent the end of year break texting each other. Again. I was so stupid.
We didn't got into the same class next year. But I've liked him too much already.
18th Jan 2010; We had a meeting for some PRS thing (?) and he had nasyid practice. He waved to me from the back of the hall and I remember feeling so bashful, and self-conscious.
The subsequent entries throughout the first quarter of 2010 was just me falling to him more and more. He waved to me a couple of time on different occasions. Sometimes he just smiled.
Around mid that year I got the news he was actually texting this hot new girl from form 4. I remember crying in the middle of the corridor to Iman hugging me. I can't remember tho if this was prior or after the dance for Teacher's day. And we talked during the school break too, for hours talking about issues. ( Honestly I don't remember any of this, it's just what I wrote inside this diary)
Somehow in July, we didn't talk to each other during one of the PB which was rather odd.
I have no other entries in particular about him so I don't know what really happens.
Another entry in October; I gave him buttons for baju raya. He didn't even wore it.
And then, there goes the entry of him ignoring me. He went to PLKN later that year. God knew what happens.
I didn't remember seeing him at all during M.A.C. I doubt I saw him during SPM results as well.
I went to Jordan later that year. I think I started texting him just one day asking permission to call him. Whatsapp doesn't even exist yet. And texting was so expensive. And I remember he replied something along the line "...call la."
We talked for a while. Until I sensed like he didn't like it. Like he was suddenly not funny anymore, always rushing me, like annoyed so I stopped calling him.
We talked again in 2013 over messenger. That was when I learned he's changed. He admitted to reading my blog couple of times. I wrote the Aizat and Sha story that was loosely about me and him. Just, very loosely.
And again on January 2014. And that's when I felt uncomfortable. Like, I dont know this guy. He wished me on my birthday that year but I never replied. I was so desperate to get over him.
We met a couple of time since. Usually during the annual iftar/konvoi raya. But I can't talk to him...entahlah. I was so bashful around him. I got so blushed. And he noticed it too. I'd just automatically turned red everytime I saw him, or looked at him. What for, i don't know. I can't really control it.
Early this year, a friend texted me about him. Asking me sincerely how I felt about him. And I honestly don't know who he is anymore. I'm pretty sure I was nothing to him. Like I'm not making any impact on his life, at all. Like I'm not his first love. But he's mine. Ánd as much as it's so corny to say this, he is indeed.
But it was the past him. The 17 years old him.
For a week, I kept thinking about all the possibilities of me and him being together. I could've kill myself I swear to god. It was so frustrating.
It's also funny how I've had countless crushes past him, so much better looking, so much more funny, and cool, and some are so chic; none has ever made this everlasting impression on me like he did. And I felt so sorry for my future husband, that he's not gonna be my first love but god this is so childish and immature.
10 years later, you see, here I am. In the same old spot. Reminiscing.
Sad kan?
To tell you the truth I've never wondered if anything was different then this would somehow turn
out dissimilarly. At this point, I just feel it'd be so much easier to take it as, we never really had any jodoh whatsoever.
I prayed for him too. For him to meet someone so lovely. Remembering past him, he'd made a great partner.
So I guess that's it. My tragic story.
I'll be starting my MO-ship at MAEPS. Taking care of covid patients.. Wish me safe and luck.
Till then.
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